Piles. Projects. Procrastination.

Paralyzed by Perfection

Well, here it is…the story of my life, in short – piles, projects & procrastination; pretty much the opposite of Marie Kondo’s action plan! But that’s the view from the inside … it’s not what others see, because after all I am a perfectionist – heaven forbid anyone would know I didn’t have it all together! I’m not a do-er, I’m a planner & a dreamer…

My mind is constantly racing, always thinking about what needs, to be done, how to organize & increase efficiency. I’ve been forever intrigued by God’s call on our lives to “be still, and know that I am God.” – Psalms 46:10. In fact I put it on the wall in my office a few years ago to remind myself, some days I even stop long enough to read it and wrestle with this call, this command to be still – who has time for that?! With all these piles and projects, there’s no way I have time to be still – so much to do, or at least plan to get perfect.

It wasn’t until this past year – almost exactly one year ago… that I started the practice of being still. Practice is a new p-word I’m working to add to my story. It’s not an easy one for me – I don’t want to practice, i just procrastinate until I can do it right (ugh) pushing back against perfectionism is a full time job!

I heard myself tell my daughter the other day, who didn’t want to practice her piano because she “wasn’t good at it” that “practice makes perfect” – I stopped in my tracks, looked over my shoulder thinking my mom must’ve walked in. I quickly realized it was me, I had said that, I have heard it so many times in my life it just rolled off my tongue and it’s definitely not the message I want for my daughter. So I quickly re-grouped and explained that practice teaches us to persevere, to be patient with ourselves as we learn to do our best.

So here’s my dilemma I’m obsessed with getting things right, having resources at my finger tips, solving problems, and organizing in the most efficient way possible…I love learning, so I have read a million books, reviewed the latest research, ordered all the programs, the solutions – yet here I sit, paralyzed by perfection, sure if I order one more book, read one more blog, download one more outline I’ll be able to create the perfect solution to organizing our life… I’m a perpetual planner pursuing perfection…when all I really want is peace.

I mentioned starting the practice of being still a year ago. It was a year ago when it broke, when I broke, when I broke our world and the illusion of perfection shattered on the floor. I was paralyzed by perfection & consumed with fear…fear of failure, fear of not getting it right, fear that there’s a better way, fear of not having it – whatever it was, fear of not having enough, fear of making a mistake, of not measuring up, fear of not being enough, smart enough, pretty enough, skinny enough, strong enough, fear of not having it all together. I thought everyone else had it figure out & I was the only one struggling. I was a hot mess behind the scenes – but picture perfect on the outside…until I cracked, until I was exposed, until the curtain was pulled back – a little reminiscent of the great Oz in the Wizard of Oz, until it all shattered on the floor…

It was on the floor amidst the shattered shards I cried, big ugly cry. I was alone, broken and all of my insecurities & imperfections were fully exposed. I was speechless, there was really nothing to say, but apologize, and ask for forgiveness. So I did. It took me a long time to realize I also needed to apologize to myself & forgive myself – I let myself down, I betrayed who I am, who God has created me to be. I allowed fear to drive instead of faith, I was allowing myself to be paralyzed by perfectionism. & the crazy thing – no one, expect me expected perfection.

It was on the floor I realized I would have to rebuild with these shattered shards to be able to stand again, and that I won’t be able to do it alone – I learned in that moment the power of being still. Because when you cry out to God, he comes, doesn’t matter if it’s been a day, a week or years – He responds in that moment and I reached for the only hand that was reaching for me, the hand of God. He called me by name, not by my sin. He called me loved, he called me chosen, he called me redeemed, he called me perfect, perfectly His.

Alone and broken I firmly planted myself in faith, allowed space for grace – God’s grace, grace given by others & grace for myself and I stepped out in courage holding my breath, praying, dreaming, hoping – looking for the shoots of green – like you do after a devastating forest fire – the signs of life, hope & promise. Hope is an anchor for the soul – Hebrews 6:19. I’m thankful to be anchored, the practice of being still reminds me of my hope in Jesus, but I know action is required of me…and I face the monster again – perfectionism & fear.

Listening to a podcast by Ruth Soukup yesterday she said – “ACTION IS THE ANTIDOTE TO FEAR” those words echoed in my head. Action is my kryptonite – but I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me, Philippians 4:13. If I choose courage & take action I will over come my perfection paralysis and have the opportunity to build a life we love, a life we’re called to – showing others who Jesus is.

Following God’s lead, with the amazing support and encouragement of my husband here we are… chasing lions (If you want to be inspired to move, and you haven’t read In a Pit with a Lion on a Snowy Day – do it!) in pursuit of the life to which we’ve been called.

I will lay down my perfection for practice, presence & pursuit of purpose.

I will take action, meaningful action to fulfill my purpose. I will not expect perfection, just progress.

I will stand firmly in my FAITH – Lord Lead me to the rock that is higher than I, Psalm 61:2.

I will embrace GRACE – Lord your grace is sufficient, and your power is made perfect in my weakness – 2 Corinthians 12:9

I will step out in COURAGE – Lord you’ve called us to be strong and courageous, not afraid or discouraged – 1 Chronicles 28:20

You may have heard the song… “to tell my story is to tell of Him…” My Story by Big Daddy Weave. I knew last spring that there was a purpose for the pain, God would use our story of brokenness & imperfection for his Glory, but I didn’t know how… this is only the beginning & I’m so very glad you’re here.

If you’re lost, struggling, paralyzed by perfection & unsure of your next step stay with me as we plan for purpose, set goals, take action & organize our lives from the inside out with faith, grace & courage! God has great things in store for each one of us! Come, let’s flip the script and chase the lion!